ANGER AT THE SYNAGOGUE
BY
BELLA STEVENSON
ANGER AT THE SYNAGOGUE
In the Anglican Communion of Nigeria, poorly-trained catechists, assisted by elder called Baba-Egbes, usually chosen from the congregation, managed village churches in the pre and post independent eras in Nigeria, if such churches had no ordained priests, organized choirs, organs and organists. For every church service, the catechists chose very popular hymns and their tunes and dictated their words, line by line, so that worshippers, who had no hymn books of their own, could actively participates in the praise songs.
Very interesting story of a clash between a catechist and his baba-egbe. On a particular Sunday morning, both church officials, having a long-standing dispute between them, had a quarrel which would have led to an exchange of blows but for the timely intervention of some church elders who were present at the scene.
Soon after the elders intervention the catechist rushed into the altar and declared the day’s service open with the hymn “Let there be light” and introduced the tonic solfa of the first line of the song. Still very much angry with the bab-egbe, the catechist roared “O what an ass you are”. The congregation, thinking that the words were those of the first line of the devotional song, chorused them after him in the tune of the chose song. The catechist dictated all the words of this poem, line by line, and the congregation sang them religiously after him until the last line of the poem was reached.
The words of a three stanza hymn coming out of the mouth of the angry catechist go as follows:-
O what an ass you are,
In this world where we are,
O how foolish,
Your manners need polish,
Your room you can’t furnish
Unless you make a change
Your life you’ll damage.
O! man effect a change
Your life you’ll re-arrange,
I shall be glad.
I know you were once mad.
Now in good robes you’re clad
Your sins are now forgiven,
In earth and heaven.
Let us God’s name proclaim
And manifest His fame,
We are not sad
“Cause His blessing we’ve had
His mercy is our pad
In our entire life
No pains, no strife
The most suitable tune for this strange hymn is Moscow: in G, Trinity Hymn composed in 6.6.4 6.6.6.4 meter by Felice D Gardini (1716-96). The tonic solfa of the tune can ne found in Hymns Ancient & modern Revised, No/ 266. It is reproduced hereunder:
All the elders, after the service, observed that the words of the first devotional hymn for that day were nowhere to be found in their hymn books. The catechist admitted that the words of the strange song were the handiwork of the devil. Immediately, the church elders held an emergency meeting where the two warring church officials were reconciled. Thereafter, both the catechist and his baba-egbe lived in harmony together for the rest of their lives.
MAMA BENIN: THE FLAGELLANT
Three boys and four girls were already living with Mama when Osas came to join them as the eighth domestics servant. She had a four room apartment in the Warders’ Barracks, Abude where she was the prisons Department head cook. At the end of every day, the remnants of the raw food stuffs from the kitchen were shared into three parts. Two thirds went to the Chief Warder’s house while Mama Benin had the rest. The same went for palm-oil, salt, mutton and firewood. So, food was not her problem mama Benin never spent a kobo of her salary on food stuffs. She was thus in a position to maintain a large number of domestic servants. All the seven boys and girls living with her were off-spring of her distant relations. Osas abalone was her nephew.
Mama Benin was a strict disciplinarian. She never speared the rod. The slightest offence by any of her servants a attracted heavy flogging. Even when a neighbor intervened, she never failed to use the cane. The only thing she did, if she like the intruder, as she always called person, was to reduce the number of strokes to be given out to any offender who had an interceder. The offender might be lucky to have just twelve lashes. Sometimes, she might be infuriated by the plea from a neighbour and so increase the number of strokes to twenty-four.
Tired to receiving entreaties from any one on behalf of any offending servant, she devised another method of flogging her offenders. She kept a number of canes in her bedroom. As soon as a servant committed any offence, she sent the culprit to fetch something for her from her bedroom. She was always obeyed. Seconds later, she would close up with the offender in her bedroom, lock up the door and empty as many canes she wanted on the culprit. The best the pleading neighbours could do was to pled for mercy for the would open the windows. Such pleas normally fell on deaf ears as she would open the door release the culprit only when she was satisfied that she had meted out of the offender sever punishment as she pleased.
This type of jungle justice went on in Mama Benin’s household for a very long time. Twice she was summoned by the Chief Warder to answer queries for punishing her domestic servants without giving them opportunities for fair hearing. She always argued that no one had the right to probe her personal and private affairs. One day, she ran out of luck.
One of the girls living with her broke two breakable plates when she was washing them. The soapy solution in her hands made it possible for the items to ship off her hands and break very easily. She sent the girl to sweep her bedroom in the usual manner. As she was weeping, Mama Benin went into her bedroom and locked the door. She began to flog the girl as usual. After using the tenth cane on her, the girl fell down and fainted. In a bid to secure the release of the girl, neighbours besieged the windows and door to the bedroom all to no avail. At first, she thought that the culprit was pretending. Minutes later, the girl being severally flogged, urinated onto the floor. This aggravated Mama Benin the more. A bold female neighbor gained entry into Mama Benin bedroom by breaking the door only to find that the girl was half dead. She was immediately rushed to the prisons clinic.
The Prison chief Nurse was away to Benin City to requisite for more drugs. The nurse on duty sought the help of her colleagues who successfully revived the unconscious girl. The Chief Nurse returned for Benin City following afternoon. She kept the girl under observation for another twelve hours. She was discharged from the clinic the next afternoon. As from that day, Mama Benin never flogged any of the eight domestic servant any more and for whatsoever offence.
BAABA SACKS IDOWU
One afternoon, Idowu attended a birthday in the company of Kofi Mensah, his Ghanaian friend and classmate. Kofi, born and bred in Sapele, has never spent a day in Kumasi, his home-town in Ghana. He was a fast friend Joe Imafidon a senior school mate, who was celebrating his twenty-first birthday. The celebrant made Kofi the Master of Ceremonies (MC) of the party that was to scheduled to commence at five o’clock in the evening. But it actually took off two hours later in conformity with the usual idea of keeping “African time”. In the locality. One would think that the party was organized by the girls for themselves only. The celebrant, to confirm this, made sure that the number of girls invited to the party tripled that the boys. It was really so. Three hundred and fifteen girls were at the party. Boys numbered only ninety-nine. The party had hardly started when Idowu engaged Baaba, a Ghana girl, in a long conversation.
Idowu: “I have met with you before in kofi’s house”
Baaba: “Several times.”
Idowu: “Can I conclude then that you are the Ghana as Kofi is ?”
Baaba: “You are right”
Idowu: “Your name?”
Baaba: “Baaba Thompson”
Idowu: “I am Idowu Clement, but I am popularly known and called Clemico especially in social circles. I work in the Central Motor Licensing Office here in town. Where do you work?”
Baaba: “Here in local branch of the Central Bank as the confidential secretary to the Branch Secretary.
Idowu: “That’s grate. We shall be friends. With you by me, I shall always have money:
Baaba: “It is not necessarily so. Rat let’s pray for the best.”
The conversation ended when the MC called all the invites to dinner. Thereafter, the chairman opening speech followed after which all invites were allowed a short break to ease themselves.
Idowu located Baaba and another conversation began again.
Idowu: “Baaba, my dear your mind and mine are already working together.”
Baaba: “How do you mean?”
Idowu: “I forgot to ask for your house address a few minutes ago. I was already scheming for a way to meet you immediately after this party when the Master of Ceremonies announced brief break for drinks”
Baaba: “I live at No. 52, Union Bank Road, in this town. Do you know the road.
Idowu: “Yes. This is great. The Confidential Secretary to the Branch Secretary of the Central Bank, Sapele, lives in the Union Bank Road. I am blessed. I have earlier on said that with you around me, I shall always be in money. Can I be with you at seven o’clock tomorrow evening?”
Baaba: “You are free to enjoy the cool comfort of my house where my hospitality to you is as sure as day and night”.
Baaba and Idowu were on for the next two year. During this period, Idowu always took Baaba out to parties, excursions religious crusades, and many social events in the locality. He never one day made love to her. Baaba’s birthday came up two weeks before the second anniversary of their first meeting. For reasons which she did rot disclose to Idowu, she observed the occasion low-keyed. She hosted three girls and three boys including Idowu who had earlier on sent to her the most expensive birthday greeting card he could lay his hands upon in Sapele. A week later, Idowu got a rude Baaba in a form of a letter which he still keeps in his personal file till today. The letter reads thus:
“My Dear Idowa,
I am writing to thank you most warmly and sincerely too far all the things you have done for me ever since we met about two years back. You constant visits, coupled with your never-to-be-forgetten generosity, are an eloquent testimony of your good spirits. You are too English in your love. As you know, this type of love is not good for and African girl like me.
Consequently, I find it extremely difficult to go on with this type of love. I am afraid I shall no longer continue to give you my undivided attention henceforth. You and I have, therefore, come to the end of the road and I think it most polite to let you know of it. It is a very painful decision which I have carefully and painfully taken.
Kindest regards to your parents and junior ones.
Yours faithfully,
Baaba Thompson.”
Idowu went through the letter with the greatest disbelief in his heart. Why all these?” he asked himself. “There is only one way out of this matter”, he consoled himself. “I must accept the situation as I find it and allow Baaba to go her way.
A MISUNDERSTOOD DIALECT
Six years after graduating from a high school, Osagie Emasuen, a Police Inspector and a Bein Man, was posted to Igarra in Akoko-Edo LGA. He found no difficulty in tracing Agbaje Ose, his classmate and a native of Igarra as soon as he got to Igarra.
“Emasco” shouted Agbaje
“Agbayus”, yelled Osagie.
They both embraced themselves and exchanged pleasantries.
“What has brought you to my town?
Agbaje asked Osagie.
“Routine transfer. I am to head the Police Post at Igarra,” Osagie replied.
Osagie promptly apologized to Agbaje for tearing his singlet to pieces about seven years back on the eve of their graduating form the secondary school.
As the story went Agbaje had offended Osagie but as the letter was unable to beat him up (since Agbaje was bigger in size than Osagie was Agbaje’s then) he tore singlet to pieces. Osagie then assured his classmate that he had forgotten the incident and consequently, he has forgiven him.
Apologies over, Agbaje took his classmate to his house apparently to spend the night with him and later arrange for a residential accommodation for him on the following day. Agbaje had hardly climbed the stair case leading to the first floor of his father’s storey building when he called out to his father in his local dialect to come out of the room and meet with his classmate. “Ada mi, ada mi, ota mi a ku u u” meaning in English language: “my father, my father, my friend is greeting you”. Osagie understood the Yoruba dialect properly. “Ada” in Yoruba means a cutlass, “ota” an enemy and “ku u u” means “to die”. To Osagie, the whole sentence by Agbaje meant that Agbahe had not forgiven him the offence of tearing his singlet when they were both at the high school. So Agbaje was asking somebody else foe a cutlass to get rid of an enemy.
Osagie jumped down from the stair case and created an ugly scene in front of Abaje’s house. He narrated his ordeal to bye-standers and passer-bye who laughed at his lack of understanding of the local dialect. Osagie spend his first night with a headmaster who was Agbaje’s door neighbour. As from that day, he learnt for his new-found host and many other educating indigenes of Igarra that “ada”, “ota” and “ku” in Igarra dialect mean “father”, “friend” and ”greet” respectively.