Live your life Stress Free
Vera Komlossy
Thistranslation of Lélekgyógyászat Streszoldó
Technikák originally published 2017 in Hungary
Translated by Zsuzsanna Üstöki
Copyright © Nosmobilia 2018 All rights reserved.
Author: Vera Komlossy
Contact Data (vera@kristalykinez.hu)
I left the house thinking today would be a good day. Everything around me was suggesting that, the beautiful spring sunshine, the rays stroking my face and my dog licking my hand right that moment, showing me he is ready to go. The sky was a clear blue colour and the birdsong sounded happy and hopeful, just like they do every spring. I helped my daughter into her lighter onesie and we set off in the direction of the nearby woods. Some of us on fours, some on twos, we started on our joyful stroll along the pavement, crossing through the woods. There was beauty and harmony in the air as we ran to an old knotty tree which was way too wide for just one person to hug so we hugged it together, admiring the fresh young buds in their first opening. These trees transmit something extraordinarily big and peaceful. Like time and space come to a halt and only the trees carry on their dance in the soft breeze. My daughter fancied copying some of these dance moves.
Coming up to a sharp bend, we lost our dog Zserbo amongst the trees, and quite fortunately so as a large pack of cyclists came gliding towards us on the wood walk path with incredible speed. None of them actually braking or slowing down, I barely had time to pull my child off the road until one of the cyclists turned back and swore badly at us, highlighting my mother’s profession, that being the oldest on the planet, and wondering how come she put us right there in that corner of the woods. The air froze instantly for a minute.
When it thawed again, my daughter asked me what the man meant about grandma. Feeling baffled all I could say was:
- That man is just really unhappy with his life.
- Is that what that word means?
- Yes, my little one.
- I don’t ever want to use that word if that’s so.
- That’s up to you sweety.
- Why is that man so unhappy, can’t he see all the beauty here?
- I don’t think he can.
- Mummy, how can we make sure we’ll always remember how beautiful life is?
- You need to always remember to pay attention to things you like and things that make you feel happy.
- So that man has none of that in his life?
- I think he has but he’s not paying attention.
- I definitely will – she said and ran off to find the dog. The next minute they were both joyfully tugging on a stick, playing in the leaves.
This book is mainly written for my daughter and all other daughters and sons who have not forgotten how to focus on things that make us happy. Wishing that you will enjoy this read, filling you with limitless enthusiasm for your daily tasks and forgetting your everyday woes and worries. Moreover, I recommend this book to every grown up who would like to find and remember this innocent childlike happiness again.
- I’m worn out, exhausted, overworked and tired.
- My heart is beating like crazy and there is a lump in my throat when I need to speak in public.
- They drive me too hard at work, I can barely cope with housework, I never spend time with the children and my mother in law keeps finding fault at everything I do.
- I simply can’t face any challenges.
- My head is just about to burst from having to do all this paperwork.
- Too much stress, too much to do constantly, I can’t organise myself, I’m going crazy.
I hear these sentences way too often. And really, the beauty of the Hungarian language is that these expressions show very accurately how much stress people endure every day. Today’s society and lifestyles force people to live too fast and very few can say they are unknown to stress.
But what really is stress? According to the official definition it is the non specific reaction of the body to all those impulses that make the individual lose balance and having to adapt to a new situation. The word itself stems from the Latin strictus (tight), meaning utilization, making use of something. Circumstances that bring about stress are called stressors. It can be any situation, individual, or simply a bad memory, as anything that involves change and adapting to change can trigger stress. Considering this, it does not matter much whether the given situation is positive or negative; all that matters is the reaction to it. Our response greatly depends on our habits, fears, subconscious patterns, acquired and inherited programs. Any strong feeling has the potential to swing the body out of balance and any two opposing emotions that are similar in intensity can start biochemical reactions in the body. Stress is not only present in our feelings; it has a long term effect on the whole body.
Let’s close our eyes for a moment and recall the last time we felt stress in a recent situation. We need to look for feelings of not being good enough, being fearful, afraid that we can’t achieve or complete something, feelings of worry and doubting ourselves....We need to look for a feeling that makes us feel blocked; we don’t need to look for too long, do we?
Let’s think back and recall the situation, what happened, what had caused it, and how we responded. Let’s try and see it the way we watch a film and let’s recall all details accurately. Let’s be onlookers, as if watching the protagonist, ourselves, from outside. Let’s try to remember everything that happened, why it happened and how we felt about it. Let’s observe, whilst watching this film, whether there is any tension in our bodies in the here and now. Our neck might become tense, there is a knot in our belly or we haven’t even noticed how our hand formed a fist. Are we feeling anxious perhaps? If we are successful in watching it as a film, maybe we’re able to understand the events from a broader perspective.
Let’s observe our response
How we should have responded
If it’s a film, how should the protagonist have responded?
Why couldn’t we respond that way?
Why could we not respond in a way we would have considered appropriate in the film? How are we feeling now? Try to answer these questions one by one and be completely honest with ourselves.
Let’s just had a little ponder about what we have seen. What could be the real cause of stress? Why does this situation seem irresolvable? What could be the block here and where is it coming from? These questions are not easy. Maybe we find that we are following learnt behaviours from our parents, which is the exact opposite of what we want to do. But do not worry, for now, let’s just remember what we saw and not jump to any great conclusions yet. Maybe it is some early misunderstanding from when we were little that manifests our behaviour and maybe us being shy and timid is just how we are.
If we know this, then we also realise that our emotional responses and reactions to our environment do not only determine how we are in the moment but they also influence our physical wellbeing. Therefore, if we choose to lead a healthy lifestyle, looking after our mental and emotional health and avoiding stress is important. It becomes our responsibility to handle our emotional reactions in any given situation, be they pleasant or unpleasant, comfortable or distressing. Do you always say and do the thing you really want to? Looking back at the film we just watched, what would have been more appropriate, how should our protagonist have behaved? Did the film end with the best outcome? Did you react they way you wanted? Did everything turn out how you wanted them to?
Are you saying no to the above questions? When we are experiencing stress, we can’t behave the way we would like to, we can’t see our own reactions as separate from others, as if it wasn’t really us behind the steering wheel but a complete stranger. My grandmother used to call this „pulling the blinds down”. Our sense of who we are disappears in stressful moments but we are still responsible for these less than conscious emotional reactions. Not accepting these reactions fully as ours makes us exposed and vulnerable. Practising various relaxation and meditation techniques help us gain control of our mental and emotional responses. We can learn to perfect our conscious presence in stressful situations to stop the blinds going down, blocking out the light.
The same way we learn about our bodies when we exercise, these techniques teach us about our emotions and how to keep them under control plus give us an insight into why we might react the way we do, what subconscious beliefs and hidden patterns govern us. I like calling it mental training.
There is no life without stress. It is a currently popular belief that all stress is harmful, and few people know that in fact there are two different types of stress. It may be that the situation is actually a positive one and we still respond with stress, like the woman who had a heart attack when they handed over her lottery winnings to her. This experience is undoubtedly a positive one, but her response to the stress was fatal. If we ignore the karma for a moment, who wants to die exactly the moment they receive the first prize? Poor woman worked herself into such a state, became so overexcited and worried, overstretching her nervous capacities that her experience was more like she was in crossfire in an actual war. No wonder she chose to capitulate.
This is the most salient point from the point of view o all stressful situations. As you see, it might be the best thing ever that could possibly happen to us and we can still respond in a bad way because our perspective is wrong. What could this woman have possibly been thinking regarding her lottery win? Would you say she was overwhelmed by joyful positive thoughts? Unlikely. She was probably full of worry, doubt and fear.
We don’t need to journey far; we can find interesting discoveries looking at small things, too. Looking around in our surroundings we see that what is stressful for us might not be stressful for others at all. Someone might become very stressed and agitated doing a weekly shop but is quite happy to climb the Himalayas; some others have it the other way round, quite happy going from shops to shops but are scared of going anywhere too high. We are not just different; our reactions to the same situations are different, too.
The most everyday affairs can cause great stress to some and even healthy and happy family relationships and events can become stressors at times. Everybody has a story from a family gathering gone wrong. It is our reactions that are different and how we then manage the consequences of those situations, being the centre of our own lives.
Distress- all stress that is negative, harmful and unpleasant takes a heavy toll on our mental and physical health. These are cause by events, situations, attitudes that we can’t resolve. We feel awful for days and can spend a long time reliving what happened, constantly going over and over it in our heads. This energy stops us in our tracks and eats us alive. We chew it, turn it over and over, lamenting, complaining, feeling frustrated. Bad stress is dangerous and uncomfortable. It leads us to threatening thoughts, sneaking up on us, making us lose balance. Unpredictability, worry and loss of trust come with it. Destructive energies. This is bad stress.
Luckily, there is the opposite of distress, called eu- or euphoric stress, which might trigger similarly intensive reactions in our bodies but it charges and uplifts us, leaving us feeling happy. We know that whatever is coming will fill us with energy, drive and motivation. We know there is a task ahead, but we also know that it will take us forward. Eustress is good for us, makes us strong, positive and hopeful.
These days we often use the word stress in its widest sense, referring to any situation between people and their environment that require a new behavioural response. Often however we use stress to refer to situations that we have no control over, that seem irresolvable, worrying and we can’t change their outcomes.
Professor Selye implies that stress is not necessarily harmful but it is very important to see the difference between eustress and distress. There are numerous studies and modalities that help us overcome and manage stress factors so we can move on from blocks and obstacles and carry on with our life journeys. As we see, it is often not the situation itself but our reaction to it that will decide if we experience eustress or distress. It is up to us how we learn to respond.
I had a film director client once who was experiencing struggles in his business ventures and turned to me for help. When he heard in the first session that I do stress release he almost stood up and left immediately and it took a while until he admitted that
- All my life it was the negative experiences that propelled me forward. Those fed my creative expression, those gave me inspiration. I do not want to stop them. I need all the suffering I have experienced so far.
Then I explained to him about the difference between good and bad stress and that it is impossible to let go of things we need and actively use and what takes us forward, be it positive or negative. Even bad experiences help us on our path if we respond in the right way. Good stress is every task that we successfully explore and utilize for our growth. If this client needs his suffering to stay inspired or his work, he does not need to let go of it and he would not be able to either. This needs to be respected and who knows if his next step may take him to the wish to find inspiration without suffering and gain and grow from that.
Luckily, few people need convincing these days that distress has a harmful effect on one’s productivity and it is proven to be detrimental to health. Unfortunately I see it more and more around me, and not just though my clinical work, that people do not recognise the first warnings signs early enough. Recently, my accountant friend collapsed into a chair next to me when we met up for lunch, exclaiming how overworked she is and how awful she’s feeling all the time. I said to her kindly:
- Just stop stressing yourself.
- I feel like my heart will explode any minute- she said gasping for breath.
- What exactly is the point? - I asked – Do things change just because you are stressed about them?
- I’m not doing anything it’s my body! – She cried, not hearing what I was really trying to say. But you know me; I was not giving up that easily.
- Is this how you want to feel? – I asked again, seemingly teasing her, but really I was curious why she is choosing to stay stressed a lot of the time. Since she’s known me for a while, she understood that it was a real question and I was trying to get to somewhere with it so she said:
- I know that stress will make me ill, but what can I really do to stop?
- You can do a lot. In fact, everything. – I nodded.
It is a fact that we are under the influence of our stories, life events and the healthier we are, the better equipped we are to deal with hurdles and occasional stressful situations. If we take time to study and practise the exercises and programs outlined in this book, we will find ourselves better able to manage external harmful stressors. There will be several things to choose from as we are all different and respond well to a variety things. Choose the exercise that you feel work best for you right now but keep an open mind for trying out all of them as they might serve you in the future. Keep trying, they will work for the best and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you begin to let go of harmful stress in your life.
I think many of you will agree that stress comes with physical symptoms; therefore it has an effect on our bodies. When we are startled or scared, our blood pressure goes up, the heart will beat faster and we might struggle to breathe...these symptoms are well known to everybody and we have all experienced them at certain times.
Sudden events that cause stress can have a quick physical response that does not last long and is clearly distinguishable in the given situation; there is a direct link between the stress actor and the physical response. Acute stress reactions, where the body prepares to fight or flight can be beneficial to some extent. It becomes a problem however, when the stress becomes chronic and permanent as this will put an enormous strain on our bodies. Everything that is present for a long period of time has more of an impact than brief moments of exposure.
Let’s see what the brain does in a stressful situation.
Our frontal lobe picks up the messages, images of what is currently happening to us. This is the place where we receive information but this area does not feel or think about what might be the best response or behaviour, it simply broadcasts what is happening in the here and now. The information is then carried on towards the back of the brain where we store our memories. The brain then pulls out the memory that is the most similar to the current situation and sends back the signal to the part that will activate a habitual response. The information passes through the amygdala which part is responsible for our feelings of safety and protection. This is the area where the stress response is formed. So, if the current situation is similar to a past situation where we experienced stress, the amygdala will raise the alarm, whether it needs to or not. This area is not operating according to logic, it is simply an alarm, and if the situation is in any way like an old stressful situation, it will signal to body that we are in danger.
To give a simplified example, if a big man stepped on our foot on the underground when we were little and it hurt so much that we cried out and maybe stopped breathing for a second, these bits of information might interlink in our brain and can manifest a situation that is only partly similar but will trigger the same response. Perhaps we might experience underground journeys highly stressful as adults and we find breathing difficult. We don’t necessarily need anyone to step on our foot, the brain will call up the same memory we experienced as children.
This is what goes on the brain: the frontal lobe processes the information: - we see how we are going down to the underground. The information moves on to the back of the brain, the bit that tells us how to behave in that situation. All fine so far, we are eon the escalator. Then we see the underground carriage. The back brain searches again and finds the childhood memory when the big man stepped on our foot and we stopped breathing. Here comes the amygdala with the alarm signals, something bad is about to happen. The alarms go off, sending the signals to the frontal lobe that something isn’t right here, warning, according to the last related memory, this was a painful event!
This warning is a real stress response that does not pass through the logical part of the brain that might be able to examine whether the danger is real or not. All this happens in the subconscious mind, sending us warning signals. We will start to imagine what might happen if suddenly we felt ill on the underground, what I we stopped breathing and so on... If the stressful situation is then maintained for a long time, the real physical symptoms will start appearing; we start to recreate the situation over and over again where we can’t breathe on the underground and maybe eventually becoming too scared to use it at all.
This is how the brain works; this is how the safety systems run that can cause misunderstood situations and prolonged stress that can also lead to anxiety attacks.
I have another example treating a client who was scared of airplanes and flying. I turned out that many years ago she suffered a motorcycle accident and she was carried to hospital by an ambulance helicopter, which saved her life. Unfortunately, her brain did not record the logical memory that airplanes are useful vehicles and they rescued her and kept her alive by taking her to hospital speedily, but she kept recalling how unwell she was both physically and mentally whilst flying. Her brain recorded all the negative memories so be able to protect her from a similar incident in the future. The sound o the helicopter, the sensations of take off and the flight all attached to her fear of dying that she felt even though her life was being saved right there and then. This illogical, but perfectly understandable fear began to interweave her life, causing fear of death next time she had to take a flight.
This example was just to highlight why people might be afraid of flying and although this one was extreme and unusual, lots of people choose not to fly due to various other fears. The effects of sudden stress are just as clear and noticeable as the factors that caused that stress. Factors that contribute to ongoing stress have a more profound social, mental and emotional long term consequence and sadly, leave a lasting effect in the individual. The physical consequences, especially at the beginning of the experience, can often go unnoticed. Just like the tip of the iceberg, contribution to acute conditions that can blow up dangerously at a later date.
Long term stress affects the brain and the brains ability to create and influence its reality. The blood flow to the brain begins to deteriorate which results in loss of concentration. Doubt starts to crop up; self destructive mechanisms are established under chronic stress. Breathing becomes more rapid whilst the reflexes slow down causing us delay in reaction to situations. Blood pressure and pulse rate increase, perhaps with moderate sweating. Digestion slows down, so it is worth exploring possible long term stress factors whenever there are ongoing digestive problems. Certain chronic symptoms affect and weaken the immune system, others can relate to cardiovascular disease. Some attribute the development of allergies to long term stress, too, since allergic reactions are the body’s physical over-reactions to external circumstances.
Responding to stressful situations is the same over reaction. It is certain that the brain responds to stressful situations and as seen, not in a logical way. Our brains are wonderfully complex organs that are able to interlink pieces of information which for the conscious mind do not seem to be issues. We need to try and become more conscious of our brains’ workings and not be puzzled when our fears and blocks do not make any sense at all. If they did make sense, we would have been able to resolve them a long time ago, wouldn’t we. I we can’t manage the deeper mental explorations and relief work on our own, if we don’t make much progress in a prolonged time period, we need to seek professional help. Just one or two sessions with a fully trained and experienced consultant with a good reputation can help kick start our self healing processes and we can carry on the journey of stress relief on our own.
Let’s keep untangling stress a bit further. Like all life stages, stress has various degrees that differ in quality. There is limitless evidence that exposure to long term stress can bring about chronic illness or can worsen or halt the healing of already existing conditions. In Western medicine however, there are no tests to measure the levels of stress in the individual’s life. Luckily, if we turn to kinesiology and natural medicine, we discern that there are three degrees of stress, simply by observing the changes in human eyes.
The muscles around the eyes are the most sensitive to all changes concerning the nerves and muscles under stress so we can read this area easily.
Let’s look in the mirror, making sure we hold our head straight. It is very important not to tilt the head in any direction even slightly as this can give a false reading.
Let’s just observe our eyes in the mirror, look at the white of the eye and the pupil. Notice how they are. Now think of a current stressful situation, recalling pictures and thoughts that cause worry. Think of something that we currently can’t solve and that gives us distress. Unfortunately, most people can think of an example from their lives.
Then observe which of the following three images correspond best to our stress response.
Stress free, when looking directly ahead, we can’t see the white of the eye under the pupil. The muscles that move the eyes are in a calm relaxed state, there is no stress factor around. We might be faced with tasks or problems but we aren’t unnecessarily worried or tensed up in the situations. If this is how you see yourself naturally, there is no prolonged stress in your life and you are able to make use of your positive energies entirely. If you see your eyes this way even when you focus on a current issue, it indicates that you are able to handle the matter stress free, moving forward in a positive way without major trouble.
Under first degree stress you can detect the white of the eye under one eye only. Eyes are the organs that reveal stress most noticeably. We call them „window to the soul” for a reason, their muscles respond most sensitively to nervous changes. As soon as you start occupying your thoughts with negativity or problems, you get scared or fearful; the eye muscles tense up, revealing the white under the iris. It is interesting to note which side appears first as there as different associations with our left and right sides.
Stress lines on the right side can suggest material, financial difficulty, things to with the masculine. All right side issues. The left side represents problems with the feminine, family matters, emotional stress.
It is important to note that some illnesses will have symptoms around the eyes, for instance problems with the endocrine system or the thyroid gland can show the whites of the eyes without persistent stress present. It could also indicate the physical signs of thyroid problems that lead back to a mental or emotional issue.
Second degree stress shows up the whites of the eyes under both eyes permanently. This suggests that our stress factors have been causing us problems for a long time and it unlikely that we would be able to deal with them on our own. We are affected negatively both emotionally and rationally and we can’t move on or away from stress.
We must always consider hormonal or endocrine causes which could manifest these symptoms, too, however it is always worthwhile to explore internal factors as well.
Bulging, pointed pupil, fixed stare. Stress lines clearly visible on both sides. The gaze appears worried, is slow to respond to physical stimuli and light. Over focused and overly absorbed with the problem albeit in an illogical way. We must recognise that there is a problem and turn to expert help. This state can also be induced by certain mind-altering substances, in either case, requesting professional help as soon as possible is crucial.
Stress makes us ill. Stress has a negative long term effect on our health and the affected person’s environment. If there is anyone in your family or social circle that is experiencing prolonged stress, don’t hesitate to seek help.
In order to avoid reaching this final stage of stress, we need to start doing inner digging work, looking at our lives, learning from lessons so we can carry on this life journey.
Let’s look at your current life situations. If we want to conquer stress, we need to recognise and dig out the causes as the first step. When we start examining the possible causes of stress, it is very important to discern that stress factors and the consequences of stress are not the same thing.
This could do with some explaining.
On numerous occasions I experienced situations, like probably you have too, that when approached with logic, were not scary at all. Our brains are a complex organ mainly there to keep us safe and protected. Therefore, whenever we find ourselves in a situation that is even a bit similar to an early incident where we felt we were in trouble, the brain raises alarm immediately. It reminds us that the current situation is similar to an earlier one. Jus like we saw in the airplane and the metro stories.
A Large number of people suffer from the results of stress and need help to be able to start fighting back.
This is why I encourage you to write down the 10 most important things in your lives that are sources of stress. The challenge is to be able to apply what we have learnt so far, namely that stressors are not simply difficulties of the mind, that are there to make us feel bad. We have our problems to solve them and learn