When I meet new couples or families during a wedding I am often asked about moments from my previous ceremonies. Some of the things I have seen have been extremely sweet and even humorous. Then people tell me I should write a book. While I actually have written a book, At the End of the Aisle, which teaches you how to write and perform a wedding ceremony, most people seem more interested in the stories and events that happen before, during and after.
So to all of you who are curious about what a wedding officiant really encounters during the course of a wedding, buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Most of the names have been changed, but all of the stories are true.
One of the most common questions I get is “Have you ever married any couples that you don’t think will last?” While my hope is that every marriage will be “till death do us part”, statistically I know that’s not the case. I am basically a justice of the peace who requires no counseling and is simply there to formalize a legal contract.
Kyle and Brandi
Kyle and Brandi called me a few days before they wanted to get married. She said she was traveling in from Alabama and wanted to see if I was available to sign their license and make it legal. We set up a day and they planned to come to my home. They asked if I could provide witnesses for them as they had none. I rounded up two friends for their big day.
Occasionally while I am filling out the marriage license I will make small talk about how they met. I was surprised to learn it was on Xbox Live. I was under the distinct impression that her trip to visit her future husband was the first time she met him in person. Brandi was in her mid 20’s, and had her eight year old son with her. It was her third marriage and his first. While Brandi came in jeans and a sweater, Kyle dressed in his finest sweatpants and stained t-shirt. We quickly performed the legalities of the ceremony with no rings and short “I do’s”. One of my friends asked if they would like her to take a picture to commemorate the event and they declined. Brandi said they hadn’t told anyone they were getting married and didn’t know if, or when, they would. Occasionally I will look on social media for my couples and six months later I found Brandi, still listing Kyle as her friend, but no mention of a wedding, name change or even a single picture of them together.
Lisa and Chuck
Lisa and Chuck had been dating for 15 years. She was 18 when they met, and he was 40. He finally “agreed” to get married after SHE asked him. This would be his third marriage, and her first. The plan was for the ceremony to be held in my backyard. with the two required witnesses, their friends. She explained that it would be casual, with all of them wearing blue jeans, and I could do the same. The ceremony should be written with Lisa giving a ring to Chuck, but he would not reciprocate with a ring for her. I have had a few couples who select to not exchange rings at all, or only the bride receives one. I even had a couple who opted to have the rings tattooed prior to the ceremony. But this was the first time I experienced only the groom receiving a ring.
When they arrived I went over the marriage license to confirm it was still valid, and checked their ID’s. I also wanted to confirm the ring situation. Chuck agreed that while Lisa would be giving him a ring, he did not have a ring for her. Surprise! Lisa bought her own ring for him to present to her during the ceremony. I don’t know who was more shocked, Chuck or me. It was definitely the most untraditional manner I had seen for a bride to get her own wedding band.
As a wedding professional, people come to me for not only information on pricing and availability, but other questions on the entire process of making a marriage legal. I find that these inquiries never lead to an actual wedding (at least not officiated by me), but am always happy to share my information to those seeking knowledge.
Inquiry #1
Recently a man called asking if he needed a marriage license to get married. I thought the answer was fairly apparent, but proceeded to explain that yes, for me to officiate and make it a legal marriage recognized by this state he would indeed be required to provide a marriage license. I was curious if he was having difficulties obtaining one or what the specifics of his situation were. I quickly learned that getting the license wasn’t the problem, but that he didn’t want to be legally married to his fiancée. According to him, she has “A LOT of debt” and he wasn’t interested in it becoming his. I also learned that the invitations were sent, reception hall booked, and they were getting married in her grandmother’s church in 4 days.
I’m not a lawyer and have no idea about a future spouses existing debt, but I do know that without a marriage license being signed and recorded with the local County Clerk’s office, you are not married in the eyes of the court. Perhaps some states recognize common law marriage, but my state does not. He then asked if I could perform a marriage ceremony without the license. I explained it would not be a legal wedding, but rather a commitment ceremony, and the words are different. I won’t say “I now pronounce you husband and wife”, nor will I say “By the authority bestowed upon me by…”. During the vows there would be no “Do you take Sally to be your lawfully wedded wife?”. He seemed excited at the prospect of a commitment ceremony but I never fully understood if his fiancée had any idea that he didn’t want to legally marry her. Perhaps it was cold feet, or he thought he could pull a fast one on her without her realizing it. I advised him to speak with the pastor of the congregation where he was getting married for more information on what that individual felt he/she was comfortable performing. I don’t offer pre-marital counseling but it seemed like perhaps discussing finances and spending habits would benefit this couple prior to making this lifelong decision.
Inquiry #2
I love “love” and my hope is that every couple I marry has a chance at a long, successful marriage. But a true marriage is so much more than a wedding. It really begins the day after your wedding and will be filled with many daily challenges and celebrations shared together. So when I receive inquiries about prison weddings, I’m always a bit sceptical. I truly try not to judge and know that without walking in someone else’s shoes I can not know what they are experiencing. Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances that would push someone to believe marrying someone in jail has its benefits. When I have received requests, I ask for both individuals names and go on a reconnaissance mission to see why they were incarcerated. I have to feel safe being around someone I am going to marry and the severity of their crime will effect my decision to officiate.
Pamela wrote me asking if I would perform a Skype wedding ceremony because her fiancé was in prison. I explained that both individuals must be physically present at the ceremony to sign the license and that our state does not recognize marriage by proxy. She then proceeded to tell me that she had power of attorney for him and asked if she could sign for him. At that point I told her to refer to an attorney for legal advice. I explained that I would not officiate at a wedding in which both individuals were not available to sign the license themselves. I was unsure if Pamela felt the prison wasn’t an ideal venue for her wedding, she needed to sign the license because he was no longer allowed to use a pen due to a stabbing conviction, or if she figured with his power of attorney she could just marry him without his consent, go to visit him one day and say “Guess what honey, we got married!” Thankfully that was the end of her inquiry.
Inquiry #3
I once had a retired priest ask me how to complete a marriage license. I had to chuckle a little thinking surely you have performed more ceremonies than me. As we chatted I learned that when he was active with his congregation his secretary completed the license and he just had to sign it. Ironically, I had been an administrative assistant for a rabbi and that is where I had learned how to complete a license too. So I knew that it was a common practice for clergy to just complete the souvenir copy for the couple on their wedding day, and leave the remaining copies for the support staff to complete and file after the ceremony. I was happy to help him out, albeit not a request I get very often from someone more experienced than myself.